Parents Boost Kids' Confidence: Avoid This 2-Word Phrase, Says Ivy League Psychologist

Raising confident, successful children is a top priority for many parents. However, an Ivy League-trained psychologist warns against using a specific two-word phrase that could hinder this goal. According to Becky Kennedy, a child psychologist with a PhD from Columbia University, the phrase "good job" can backfire if not followed by specific praise. In a podcast episode of "The Tim Ferriss Show," Kennedy explained that without additional specific praise, "good job" can be a "conversation ender" and may not effectively build a child's confidence in the long term.

Kennedy, who hosts the "Good Inside" parenting podcast, emphasized the importance of asking follow-up questions and highlighting the positive behavior that the child should build on to help them develop inner efficacy and self-validation skills. She noted that kids who grow up relying on external validation can become "very empty and very fragile [and] very, very anxious," and that it's crucial for parents to help their children learn to validate themselves without waiting for generic praise from others.

To implement this approach, parents can use alternative phrases and approaches to praise their children's efforts and accomplishments. For example, instead of saying "good job" when a child brings home a research paper they're proud of, parents can ask specific questions and show genuine interest. This can help build their confidence and foster a stronger parent-child relationship.

In addition, Kennedy considers self-validation to be one of the most important core skills children need to learn to eventually succeed as adults. By teaching children to validate themselves without waiting on generic praise from someone else, parents can help them develop a strong sense of self-worth and resilience.

To help children build inner efficacy, parents can encourage them to try at something they're not immediately good at, clarify to correct, praise with specificity when it's earned, and point out strategy. By doing so, parents can help their children develop a strong sense of self-belief and the ability to overcome challenges.

Research supports Kennedy's advice, indicating that specific praise fosters inner efficacy, while generic praise can be counterproductive. Studies have shown that specific praise helps children develop inner efficacy, making them more likely to challenge themselves and put in the effort (Pressman, 2021). Conversely, generic praise can lead to decreased intrinsic motivation and lower self-esteem in children (Lepper et al., 1973; Henderlong & Lepper, 2002).

Parents should also be mindful of the potential concerns associated with relying too heavily on external validation. Children who grow up relying on external validation can become "very empty and very fragile" and may struggle with anxiety and depression (Kennedy, 2025).

In conclusion, parents can boost their children's confidence and help them become successful adults by avoiding the two-word phrase "good job" and focusing on specific, sincere, and effort-based praise. By doing so, parents can help their children develop inner efficacy, maintain intrinsic motivation, and foster long-term success.

References:
- Kennedy, B. (2025). The Tim Ferriss Show: Episode with Becky Kennedy. Retrieved from
- Pressman, A. (2021). How to praise kids to build confidence and success. CNBC Make It. Retrieved from
- Lepper, M. R., Greene, D., & Nisbett, R. E. (1973). Undermining children's intrinsic interest with extrinsic reward: A test of the "overjustification" hypothesis. Journal of personality and social psychology, 28(1), 129.
- Henderlong, J., & Lepper, M. R. (2002). The effects of praise on children's intrinsic motivation: A review and theoretical review. Psychological bulletin, 128(5), 774–795.