"I'm Disappointed in You": The 4-Word Phrase That Can Harm Your Child's Confidence

As parents, we strive to raise successful and well-adjusted children. However, in our efforts to guide and correct their behavior, we may inadvertently use phrases that can have a lasting negative impact on their self-esteem and motivation. One such phrase, according to sociologist and Columbia Business School professor Adam Galinsky, is "I'm disappointed in you."

In an interview with CNBC Make It, Galinsky identified this frequently used remark as having an outsized effect on a child's confidence. The phrase is often deployed when parents want to correct a behavior, but it can actually cause the opposite to happen. This is because it instills kids with a sense of shame, which is not a productive emotion. Shame leads to avoidance rather than encouraging critical thinking or problem-solving, making children less likely to try new things and take on new challenges.

Shame is a debilitating and destabilizing emotion that can hinder self-esteem and motivation. It makes children feel inadequate and self-doubtful, as they may interpret the phrase as a reflection of their inherent worth or abilities. Instead of building confidence, this phrase can create a self-defeating cycle where children become more risk-averse and hesitant to explore new opportunities.

To foster a child's confidence and willingness to take on new challenges, parents should focus on using constructive language that encourages learning from mistakes and finding solutions. Instead of saying "I'm disappointed in you," parents can ask their children how they can do better in the future. For example, "How can we set up a system where you get your homework done? Let's think of a plan for doing that."

By shifting the focus to problem-solving and collaboration, parents can help their children develop resilience and a growth mindset. This approach allows children to learn from their mistakes without feeling guilty or ashamed, empowering them to take on new challenges and build self-confidence.



In conclusion, the phrase "I'm disappointed in you" can have a significant impact on a child's confidence and willingness to take on new challenges. To raise successful and well-adjusted children, parents should avoid using this phrase and instead focus on using constructive language that encourages learning from mistakes and finding solutions. By doing so, parents can help their children develop resilience, self-confidence, and a growth mindset.