5 Hard Truths About Marriage Most People Learn Too Late

Marriage is often portrayed as a fairytale, but the reality is far from the romanticized version we see in movies. As a psychologist who studies couples, I've seen firsthand the challenges that many marriages face. Here are five hard truths about marriage that most people learn too late in life.



1. Love is a Verb, Not a Feeling

Many people think of love as a feeling, but in reality, love is an action. It's a choice to give of yourself for the sake of another. This means that even when you don't feel "loving," you still need to act in a loving way. This could mean doing the dishes, taking out the trash, or simply listening to your partner when they need to talk. Love isn't about giving your partner what they want; it's about working for their good, even when it's difficult.

2. You Have Work to Do

There's no such thing as a perfect marriage because there's no such thing as perfect people. Marriage is the union of two deeply flawed individuals, and that means there's always work to be done. This could be significant work, like addressing deep-seated issues, or it could be relatively minor, like learning to communicate more effectively. The key is to recognize that there's always more work to do and to be willing to put in the effort.

3. Money Can't Fix Your Relationship

Money is a frequent source of conflict in marriage, but the reality is that your money arguments are more than likely not about money. They might be about conflicting values, fear of not having what you need, or constantly coveting what your neighbor has. The key to addressing these problems is in identifying and dealing with the deeper issues. This could mean having open and honest conversations about your values and priorities, or seeking professional help to work through deeper issues.

4. Affairs Come in Many Forms

Most people think of affairs as physical infidelity, but the reality is that affairs can come in many forms. They can be emotional, where you find yourself feeling disconnected from your partner and seeking fulfillment elsewhere. They can be work-related, where you throw yourself into your job to avoid dealing with issues at home. The key is to recognize that connection takes work, and when we find ourselves feeling disconnected, it's easy to try to get those needs met in other places. But when you pursue these needs elsewhere, you end up widening the gap of disconnection with your partner, which can lead to bad places quickly.

5. Marriage is Hard

The podcast Hidden Brain has an episode called “When Did Marriage Become So Hard?” The podcast exists because marriage is, in fact, hard. No one tells you that when you’re dating or getting engaged. It kind of sneaks up on you when you get back from the honeymoon and realize someone needs to make dinner. The key is to recognize that marriage is hard, but most things worth doing are. Whether it’s exercise or eating well or learning an instrument, few good things come easily. Stick with it, get some help, and keep putting love in action. All good things take work.

In conclusion, marriage is a challenging but rewarding journey. By understanding these hard truths, you can better navigate the ups and downs of married life and build a stronger, more resilient union. Remember, a satisfying marriage requires honesty, compromise, sacrifice, and tons of hard work. Your happily ever after must be earned.